There are some periods in our life which we call a stroke of bad luck. It is when we happen to fail everywhere – in the family, at work; it’s when everything is falling apart and slipping out of our hands. If it lasts for a while, problems with health come along.
FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT
That was the time when my work did not bring me any satisfaction. I could hardly make myself to do any work and get paid. Otherwise I would had simply been fired. My depression was so deep that even having to raise and support two children did not seem to have any impact on my motivation.
The relationship with my husband was awful. His unreasonable jealousy reached its peak. If he saw me kindly talking with other man, he could have literally killed me. My husband couldn’t find a job, and I, despite my depression, earned much money. Nevertheless, I spent my money mainly for my own pleasures, without enjoyment or benefit for my family.
To make matters worse, my daughter encountered serious problems. She started to see very strange visions. She found herself in some obscure world and experienced very odd states. She asked me for help, but I did not know what to do. The doctors would have considered her being mental, but I myself did not acknowledge the existence of the other world, that was not proved scientifically.
I had never considered myself a believer, though I was raised in a family, where in spite of the soviet bans religious holidays were celebrated. I was baptized in childhood and later received the Holy Communion. I remember myself at the age of ten climbing on the top of the stairs of our house where I could see the rest of our district on the hill, beyond the river. There I often asked God to help us, bring the peace to our home. But all of it was in vain…
All of us, the three families, lived at our grandpa’s. Men would at times drink for some weeks or even longer. I saw the delirium tremens, I knew all the symptoms. Rows and quarrels were always present at home. Sometimes we would hear drunken stepfather’s complaints and curses up until the midnight. It was very hard to study under such conditions. Stepfather would sometimes waste all his money on alcohol and then the three of us had to survive with the small mother’s salary – we could hardly make both ends meet. But no matter how much I asked God, things had barely changed. Besides, atheism lessons were held at school and I stopped believing, as no miracle occurred in my life.
…Anyway, a man must believe in something! So, when a very hard time came and my belief in God was almost absent, I turned to fortune tellers and esoterics for help; I hoped that they would cheer me up and tell me that all the bad would soon finish and better times would come. I heard all kinds of advice and stories then! Should I have followed those advices, I don’t think I would be able to write about the changes now.
The problems with my daughter alerted me as a mother. I had to overcome the two-year-long depression and immediately start taking action and changing my life, because the visions that the girl suffered from were alarming. I knew intuitively that if I turn to doctors, they will start treating her with drugs put her in mental hospital. Mother’s intuition looked for non-standard solutions. I believe that when a person takes a firm unconditional resolution, the events then begin to unfold in such a way that the help finally arrives. And the thoughts, which lead to right decision, come and show the way out of the hopeless situation.
I was advised to go to some orthodox church and ask father Peter to help. It was quite a problem for a non-practicing catholic to go to orthodox church. Since long ago I was convinced of the difference of religions and even Gods. But there was no choice and I went. I got used to go to church and pray about four hours for more than a year. If I could, sometimes I went to pray on Saturday and on weekdays during the lunch break. I was listening to father’s sermons, but noticed that human flaws are also present in him and that at times he takes some situations rather subjectively. I longed for something more…
The reader, probably, awaits the phrase “here the miracle happened – everything got alright”. Me attending orthodox church and starting to pray again can really be called a miracle, but my daughter’s situation did not improve. I started the divorce which lasted about two years. Afterwards we still had to live in the same flat. I began to do the things I enjoyed, things of which I had dreamt for so long. I rediscovered the world of music and books. My inner state started to change and this certainly had a good impact on my children. New friends and new interests came along.
Despite everything, I tried hard to change, tried to spend more time with children at home and less at work. And once visiting my friends I was offered to read a book, describing the life of the masters in Himalaya. It was very interesting, but I was reading it slowly; a lot had to be reconsidered, as it differed greatly from the beliefs imposed by the society; the book represented the world and its true values in a new way.
A great wish to find a true Master had emerged. But I did not really like the fact that I will have to search for him in Himalayas because at that time it was impossible due to the financial reasons. Anyway I did not have to wait for long. About four months had passed before I learned that a group of people is going to Moscow to meet with the Master. But when I found out who are going, I decided that I am not worth such a meeting. The majority of those people practiced spirituality for a long time, while I was just a beginner, but eventually it happened so that I went together with them. Much was new and sometimes unclear.
The events unfolded in a miraculous way: first a Catholic began to go to church and prayed with such a devotion that at times only the children prevented her from becoming a nun, and then the meeting with the Master who is from India… If there is a great God’s mercy, the miracles come to our life, though we can not always understand them.
When I first met the Master, he told me that I would be coming to him and gave me a mantra… His words had come true, I really began to travel to Moscow, to listen to his satsangs and to go to darshans. I was listening and trying to remember what a person should be like, what and how we should do to develop spiritually, why we have come to this world and what our true destination is.
At hard times I wished for some changes in life. However, listening to satsangs, I started to understand that it is not the former husband, work or relationships that had to change, but first of all, myself. And I did my best to change. It was very difficult, as for changing one should not only listen to satsangs of the Master, but to admit to having shortcomings and to work with them everyday.
It was as not easy to come to the Master from another country, moreover at financially difficult times. But every time when a strong wish arose, the possibilities appeared: here I would find some money kept secretly for a rainy day, there I would get some award at work, or, at times, a rationally planned budget would help. Probably, the biggest miracle is that my children also had the opportunity to come and meet Guru Ji. And most importantly – my daughter, who had big problems, recovered and finished school with honors.
Now we are all together again like a proper family, not only living in one flat. Guru Ji’s advice helped me a lot. All this, however, demands constant practice, patience and wish. Even though my husband does not go to the Master (but met him in our native city), observing my inner changes, he began to tolerate my journeys to Moscow. I cannot say that everything is perfectly nice with our relationship and I am living in clover. Now I also have to face serious problems, only I no more see them so insoluble and hopeless, so as I know that my Master is with me: He will always give me some piece of advice or a clue to a solution.
I recollect the times when I appealed to fortune-tellers and to esoterics. They told me about my future and my prospective: they persuaded me that because of the polar difference with my husband, the disposition of planets, etc. I cannot be with him. Now I see what have really happened. I am sure that they were mistaken, because thanks to Guru Ji, everything has changed. We not only live under the same roof, but could also intensify our feelings and raise them to a higher level. Having changed inside, a person changes the world around him; he should only work diligently on it and, above all, not to settle with what is achieved. No results come to me simply and quickly, but the main thing is that I have them!
I never stop wondering how the Master helps to find the solution without speaking of my future, without telling in detail what I should do. Of course, I must always chant mantra or the name of God, which clean the way towards the Light of the Master. He is always nearby, helping and protecting, though it is not easy to notice that. The main thing is not to refer all achievements to yourself. Only years later you can clearly see what the Master really meant, that situations were neither good nor bad so as they all were life lessons and immense mercy of God. Especially at hard stages you understand that in spite of the sufferings (due to your ignorance), these times were the most valuable in life.
